I'm back..

Welcome home, self.

I've been away on a long trip, around the backside of the mountain. But I'm back now.

For better or for worse, with all my baggage, pain, silliness, quirkiness, failings...It's me.

I've been on antidepressants for 2 years, and depressed for more than 10. I've been off a couple of months now. At first, it was scary, to be without my 'happy pills'. Even though they weren't making me as happy as they once were, they were my 'security blanket'.

But you know what?

It's ok. It turned out much better than I thought.

It's me, the real me!

The one who feels and loves and acts silly, cries, who has ups and downs, a bad day, a goofy moment, and overwhelming feelings of happiness and thankfulness. Whatever life brings.

I'm here.

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Antidepressants accomplished what they were meant to do. But it was time. Time to let go. Time to move on with my life.

I used to write alot, mostly out of anguish. Things in my heart and life that I couldn't seem to change, or deal with. In my writings I'd cry out to God, try to find some explanation or meaning. Peace...

That person kind of disappeared for a couple of years. Not alot of depth of feeling, but in some cases, that was the purpose.

That girl is back today, only better. My heart is full to overflowing with life, with feeling, with purpose. I still don't have all the answers. Some things did change over time, others are still the same, new things came up.
But that's ok. Cause this girls' back.

And she does not walk alone.

My beloved friend, my Saviour. He's still here. He always was.
Sometimes I was so lost. It was dark in that forest
- so many trees, I couldn't find my way out.
Looking back now, I can see His footprints, walking that path beside me.
Even though I didn't know, and couldn't see Him, He was still there.
And I am ever so grateful...


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Deut 31: Be strong and courageous. The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."


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Bring The Rain
by: MercyMe

I can count a million times

People asking me how I

Can praise You with all that I've gone through

The question just amazes me

Can circumstances possibly

Change who I forever am in You



Maybe since my life was changed

Long before these rainy days

It's never really ever crossed my mind

To turn my back on you, oh Lord

My only shelter from the storm

But instead I draw closer through these times



So I pray:

Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain



I am Yours regardless of

The dark clouds that may loom above

Because You are much greater than my pain

You who made a way for me

By suffering Your destiny

So tell me what's a little rain



So I pray



Holy, Holy, Holy, Holy Holy Holy,

Is the Lord God Almighty,Is the Lord God Almighty


I will forever sing,



Holy Holy Holy, Holy Holy Holy

Is the Lord God Almighty, Is the Lord God Almighty...

June has arrived, and it's about to get really hot...

My beautiful German Irises that I got last year.

Mid to upper 90's next week. I am just not ready for that. We've been enjoying 70's to low 80's, low humidity, and 50's at night. Great sleeping weather. Can leave the windows open and listen to the crickets and tree frogs, and hear the birds at the feeders in the morning. Likely have to put in the air conditioners this weekend, and now we'll get to listen them all night. I'm thankful for them, but wish they operated quieter. Maybe if I spent beau coup bucks, I could get a quieter one. But quantity won over quality last summer.
It's been real entertaining watching the birds out the window past my computer screen this spring. Yesterday, a Red Shouldered Hawk swooped down not 8 feet out my window, startling multiple birds and chipmunks. Everyone ran in all directions, uttering a couple of chirps of surprise and warning. Really was no time for warning, as he was so silent and swift, he was upon them before anyone knew what was going on. He immediately turned and flew off, hopefully missing whatever was his target, as I didn't see anything in his claws. But, he's a good sized bird, so something very small could have been hidden. Although I enjoy watching him (he lives in the area all winter, moving closer to the CT river in the summer) I hope he missed. Plenty of supper some place else, I'm sure.
The baby chipmunks are having a fabulous time, frolicking and jumping out at each other and the birds. The doves keep warning them to stay back by extending their wings or tail feathers upwards (to make themselves appear bigger?). They are like little vacuum cleaners. Sure wish they could vacuum for real, wouldn't that be nice!
The big one has learned how to shimmy up the shephard's hook and jump the 12 inches to the feeders and load up.
The cow birds are kind of comical. Interesting courtship dance. One realized that the food was 'raining' down on his head, and kept looking up to see if he could figure out a way to get at the source.
Those 'peaceful' doves certainly aren't peaceful this time of year. Good grief! Those males can certainly be aggressive. Talk about one thing on their minds. The poor females can barely get a chance to eat without being accosted.
The raccoon visits occasionally at night, checking out my suet. An oppussum was here a couple of weeks ago, likely here alot more often, I just don't see him at night.
The rose breasted Grosbeak is a beautiful bird, with a nice song, similar to the Robin. His wife is considerably bigger than him. At first I thought she was a Dickcissel, but they are even smaller.
She has a yellow vee on her breast, like his rosy one. My bird book didn't show that, but I guess you have to allow for regional differences perhaps.
I enjoy listening to the catbird sing from his various perches down back in the woods. I can hear the thrush in the woods down behind 2 or 3 houses away. I just love their song. It has to be one of my favorite.
We were at Congamond Lake this past weekend. Beautiful Sunday afternoon, just before most of the boaters came. Saw a Baltimore Oriole. They are such a beautiful orange. A family of ducks came by with 7 babies. A lady fishing on the dock had a live catfish in her bucket, along with a couple of bluegills. A pair of cranes were spending time in a quiet spot of rushes. Last summer we saw a few turtles swimming under the dock, surfacing occasionally for air.

I'm thankful to live in the country, with a patch of woods out behind. An occasional turkey comes by. So far I haven't seen any deer, but the neighbor said last year, about 5 or 6 am, one was in my garden, so they must be around.

That's about it for the wild life update today. :0)

Playlist...

I'm so enjoying my new playlist that I made at Playlist.com. I've only a dozen songs on there at the moment, but I listen to them every day. I plan to add more later today.
I really love the song 'Held' by Natalie Grant. What a beautiful song. I'm so glad I invested in a nicer sound card and speakers for my computer that I bought last year from Dell. It's really paying off. Better sound that my Aiwa system. My Aiwa is really their basic product, but it serves it's purpose until we can afford a nicer one. Just not at the top of the list right now.

Mother's Day...

Angelique Tulips, plus 2 pink tulips, from my flower garden.

Wow, it's been awhile since I've been on here. Lots going on lately. My parents just left this morning to return to their home in NB, Canada. They arrived a week ago Friday for a week long visit and Mother's Day. It was a pretty good week weather-wise, things sure did green up. We mowed the lawn for the first time this week - probably could have been done earlier, but the fertilizer dude came and did his thing, so we couldn't go near the lawn for a couple of days. We gave it some extra time due to the lingering odor. The maples and other trees are so leafed out now that you can't see the neighbors' barn anymore out back. It's amazing, really, because my brother in northern Maine is probably just starting to see some grass, much less leaves, after their long and snowy winter.
Dad was anxious to get home and get started on some outdoor things. He's really in amazing shape for 76. He walks everyday, and still does alot of work around home, like cutting down trees, finished his tractor barn, landscaping, etc. His back barks at him sometimes, and he has to take it easy for a few days when that happens, but then he's back at it again, putting up molding and shelves in the house, doing those little things that makes everything that much nicer.
My Parents

Mom is holding her own. She's very active also, walks everyday, except for the fact she broke her ankle a week or so ago. We were going to 'shop til we drop' like we usually do (me dropping first!!) but not this trip. She did hobble around Marshalls and Kohls, but that was pretty much it this time. We put together 3 puzzles this week. We both love puzzles, and it's fun to work on them together, except it's kinda tricky when you are the one working on it upside down. :0)

We had lots of treats - courtesy of a trip to Costco - with spinach dip, bruschetta, hummus, several desserts, etc. We went to church yesterday, and came home and BBQ'd after rather than fighting the lines at the restaurants on Mother's Day. Mom and I did go to Panera Bread this week, a favorite of ours. I LOVE their decaf coffee. It's the best. And it goes so well with their Double Chocolate Chip Cookie. Yum! I get happy just thinking about it. ;0)
We did get to a few tag sales and an antique shop Saturday morning. Didn't get much this time, probably a good thing, because I did go to one a couple of weeks ago that was selling out antique dishes from a shop that had closed. I did really well, after comparing similar items for sale at the antique shop on Saturday.

Poor hubby. He changed the oil in the van this past weekend, and the O-ring didn't come off, he forgot about it, put a second one on, the filter didn't attach right, and the oil came gushing out all over the garage floor and driveway. Thank goodness for Absorbent.

I put my hummingbird feeder up yesterday, and last night saw my first hummer this season. I couldn't believe it. He's been here several times since then. I'm sure he's tired and hungry from his long trip from down south. I think they overwinter in Central America?
I'm still feeding the Downy's their suet, as well as the Hairy's and Redbellies. They are so comical, and sure count on that suet. The mockingbird has been singing - love to hear them, and I have a pair of red wing blackbirds announce their arrivals every time they come. The cardinals do too. I feel sorry for the female doves. The males have harassed them pretty near to death this spring mating season. They can't even eat in peace. Some have their feathers all messed up, tail feathers missing. They seem to be eating in peace today, so maybe all is over for another year. They are such peaceful birds, so it's surprising how aggressive the males become.
Chippy, one of our resident chipmunks (they are all called 'Chippy') has made numerous trips to my bird feeder, leaving with cheeks impossibly swelled up with seed.

Well, I've rambled on here long enough. It's laundry day, so I better get back at it. Max is sitting patiently here on my desk, waiting for me to do something? :0)
It was hard when my parents left this morning. I always cry, even after all these years. You'd think I'd get used to it. Even though I look forward to a break, I wish they'd come back for supper. Each year I realize they are getting older, and the inevitability that these trips will end is rushing at me with breakneck speed.
There's something about their leaving that leaves me so forlorn, almost like I've been abandoned. It reminds me again of how blessed I am to have such good parents - ones that love me as much as they do, and take the time and make the effort to travel to see us, and keep in close contact in between times.

It's in times like these that I'm so grateful that they are both Christians, and I really will get to keep them forever.

I got to the point a few years ago, after having moved many times, that I decided to start planting flowers where ever I was at that time. In this case, it was in Waterville, Maine.

We rented the downstairs of an old Victorian. Big rooms, high ceilings, on a very small fraction of an acre in town. Very small.

But the neighbor lady, Mrs. Frye, was so kind as to let me 'dig in her garden'.She had a 30 year old perennial garden that she had never done anything with. They had lived in that house all those years, but not being garden minded herself, had just let it go to weeds.The deal was, I would buy the flowers and fix it up, she could enjoy it, and when I left, I could take maybe 1/2 of what was there.

So Mom and I tackled it. It was a small mound of dirt about 12 x 12 feet. Beautiful dirt!! It had originally been a pond some 30 or 35 years before, and had been filled in with top soil. So I pulled what appeared to be weeds. The back half of the garden still had old perennials, and I mean OLD.

Blood root, Virgina Bluebells and Snowdrops. Things I had never seen before. Oh, and Asters. 4 foot tall purple New England Asters. They had been hidden in a foot or two of dead grass and weeds for years. I was delighted, of course. To that I eventually added many plants.

Daisies, primrose, English pompon daisies (so cute!), black eyed Susan's, bleeding heart, columbines, cardinal flower, balloon flower, and much more than I can mention. Yes, I filled it to the brim.

It's been 3 years now since I've seen the garden, as we moved several hours away. I know it isn't taken care of like it was, but it did something for me. I spent many hours in that garden while my husband worked in Baltimore all week. It was therapy, and gave me a sense of purpose. I decided then that if I wait until I own a place to plant flowers, it may never happen.And if I did own a place, I would have spent the money anyway. (I know I spent almost $300 in that small garden. lol!)

So when we moved to CT, the apartment we rented had, you guessed it, a small garden area outside the front door! I was so excited by this, and I spent many evening hours in it visiting with my neighbors. Again, more therapy.When we moved to this house, I brought much of the flowers with me this time.

Blackberry Lily

I have 3 Blackberry Lilies that I started from seed back in Waterville, that finally bloomed for the first time last summer. They take 4 - 7 years to mature enough to bloom, so I was quite pleased that it only took 4. I added more flowers to this house lot, and will take them all with me again when we buy. I am planning many more visits to the local greenhouses after that, you can be sure!

Blackberry Lily Seedpods