God's provisions. Things you need for the journey of life. For your journey with Him. I never thought of it that way before. The Holy Bible is full of God's provisions. Things that help us along the way. Shine the light where it's dark, protection where it's needed, help along the way. Insight and wisdom to help us grow and mature. Attributes He planted in us from conception.
I've often thought of such attributes, things He might have created in me to help with my journey.
One small attribute that I believe He planted in me is the fact I have a love for animals. I was never able to have my own children. But I have had different animals along the way to love on.
A much bigger provision is my husband. The Lord knew I was going to need this man in my life. I like to believe that we have a special closeness and love. Not that others don't. I think there is a great variety in the level and types of love out there, not necessarily less than others, just different.
Life can create so many insecurities and issues along the way, such as self-esteem issues, feeling disconnected from moving so much, being adopted, depression, a feeling of not belonging...
I must add here that God gave me wonderful parents. Not perfect parents, because there is no such thing, but parents that needed me as much as I needed them. And I am truly grateful for these gifts, these provisions. But adoption does come with it's own list of 'built in' insecurities .
Much has been required, but much has been given. There are days I don't fully realize or believe the second part. But when I am truly honest with myself, I have been given much. In the areas that count. Not so much material, because life has been hard at times in that regard. And while I may not be able to count a large number of friends, I have a closeness with those that I do have and with my immediate family that is truly a blessing.
For those of you reading this that say, I don't even have this - there have been times in my life I have felt truly alone too. Really alone. In that I have felt I didn't have one single person in the world to call who would understand what I was going through. The pain that my husband shared with me was so great, that I could not talk to even him about it. I suspect this is something similar to what couples who have lost a child must feel sometimes.
Looking back, I wished I had relied more on His provisions . We didn't even have a home at that time, or jobs. I remember driving around Virgina, looking out the window, and feeling so disconnected, so alone, and that life was never going to get any better than this. And the pain from our failures and mistakes was so great, that I just wanted to die. Literally, it would hurt less if I could just die.
But, God knows, and given time, things will change. As my mother likes to say "This too shall pass." Life is really made up of seasons. Some are longer than others. Some last 10 years, some 10 months. Some never seem to end. But they will. Some will leave their mark on you for the rest of your life. Some change you in ways nothing else could. On the bright side, these low points make the high points look all the higher.
God is bigger than ourselves. I'm so thankful for that, because there are things in life I literally cannot change by myself. This is where He comes in. Hope. And His provisions for the journey...
Now, some 14 years later, I look back, and see the despondency, the hopelessness, that bottom of the pit feeling, and can say,
INDEED, THERE WAS.HOPE.EVEN WHEN.I COULD NOT.SEE IT!
For here I am. I have a home. My husband has the best job he's ever had. I have the love of my family (I always did, really). I have a little fur ball that I pour my love into every day. I have a best friend who's friendship has been refined in the fiery furnace of life, and it is coming forth as pure gold. ( Life isn't finished with us yet, so there is always a little more 'refining' going on. :0)
Isn't that the truth for all of us? The refining fire of life. It's not over till the 'size-challenged' lady sings, and I haven't heard her yet.
So what's important to remember here is, you really are never truly alone. God really is always there. He's just waiting for you to acknowledge that, and for you to make Him part of your life, so He can really help you. We are the ones who limit Him. Yet He is limitless. And He's given 'provisions' - gifts - helps - a guide book, to help us along the way. He didn't just plant us here and say - ok, you are on your own. He gave us a guide book. Provisions...
Thank you God, for the provison of your Son, Jesus Christ. For without Him, my life would truly be hopeless. Help me to use your 'provisions' more fully, so my life may be more full. Amen.